BRAINTREE -- When Katie Gray was in high school, getting her driver's license was a sacred rite of passage. All she could think about was turning 16, and when she did, she got her license as soon as possible. A driver's license meant independence, freedom, and the ability to spend more time with friends.

That may no longer be the case for today's teens. Gray has noticed that getting a driver's license is no longer a priority. As the director of Parish Outreach for Life Teen, a nationwide Catholic youth ministry, it's Gray's job to notice what's going on with kids these days. Gray, 39, is a millennial, part of the generation that came of age at the dawn of the 21st century. The middle and high school students who are the focus of her ministry are part of the tail end of Generation Z and the beginning of a new generation, Gen Alpha.

"Today, you don't need to necessarily drive somewhere to see your friends, and so even the reality around to be social for them can happen inside of their own bedroom," she said. "And yet, how do we help them still build solid community and be out in the world and come to events when the world kind of comes to them if they want to?"

Gray gave a Zoom presentation about the differences between Gen Z (high schoolers) and Gen Alpha (middle schoolers) on Jan. 15. The presentation was part of an ongoing series of youth ministry trainings sponsored by the Archdiocese of Boston based on "Listen, Teach, Send," a framework promulgated by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops in 2024. "Listen, Teach, Send" emphasizes a caring, gentle, friendly approach to youth ministry that meets young people where they are. For Gen Z and Gen Alpha, that's social media.

"Virtual evangelization has a massive place" in youth ministry, Gray said, as does being creative and "relational."

"People want to go to a place where they feel like they belong and are willing to prioritize that," she said, "but that takes time and effort and relationships. I think that the best thing about it is, if we can create a space where teenagers want to go, despite all of these other places coming, expecting, asking, needing of them. I think that's when we're in the right direction of building a solid ministry."

Gray advocated for a friendly approach to youth ministry, emphasizing games and other social activities. She advised that such activities be kept brief, due to the short attention spans of today's youth. In a world of short-form video such as TikTok, teens take only seconds to decide whether something or someone is worth their time. She provides props in her ministry, such as hacky sacks, for kids to hold. They're so used to having phones in their hands that holding onto anything makes them feel more comfortable.

"How can we laugh with these students?" Gray asked. "How do we give them a space where they have fun? Laughter breaks down barriers."

She said that memes, quizzes, and references to pop culture can all get the attention of young people, but it shouldn't come across as pandering.

"It's relatable," she said. "It's not like you're trying to be young and cool and hip. It's like you're just trying to be authentic."

She listens to a "super fun and trendy" radio station called Boost that plays Christian rap music.

"It makes that connection, helps them find music that is kind of in their alley, like 'Oh, I'd listen to that,' but it's talking about Jesus, which is always a win," she said.

As long as it lets kids "know Jesus better," she invites personal stories and references to social media and non-political current events, which connect the faith to aspects of the secular world that young people value. However, it is also important to let them "drown out the world." Gray believes that Gen Z and Gen Alpha are starved for silence.

"I think it's important that you are also teaching them how to be still and to be silent, because that could also be an anomaly for the world that is fast-paced for them right now," she said.

She pointed out that today's teenagers have never known a world before 9/11 and are living in an information environment where they can see people's suffering constantly in real-time.

"There's a shooting every month," she said. "They know so much tragedy that we don't necessarily, I don't feel like I knew when I was that young."

Gray has two children. One is 13, and one is four. Her four-year-old knows how to use an Apple TV better than her 13-year-old. Both of her children were shocked to find out that their mom is older than Google. They believed that it had always existed, like Jesus.

"The ability for these children to be able to maneuver any sort of screen is mind-boggling for me," Gray said, "but also impressive. But the reality is, they're consuming so much at such a rapid pace that maybe they weren't always designed for."

Gray presented two acronyms to describe the emotional state of the average middle and high schooler. Middle schoolers are EAGER (Emerging, Affirmation-seeking, Growing, Emotionally-expanding, and Relational) and high schoolers are BRIGHT (Becoming, Relationship-focused, Independent, Goal-oriented, Hopeful, and Trustworthy). Middle schoolers are entering a time of their lives where they are more curious, argumentative, and straining against authority -- not only their parents and school, but the church. They tend to see the world as black-and-white and are dogmatic in their opinions.

"Sometimes that argumentative side means it's harder to see that truth is actually truth," she said, "because they see only one version of it, like it's presented like this on social media."

Middle schoolers are starting to ask the "big questions" about life. These questions may be impossible for adults to answer, but the kids aren't always looking for answers -- just the space to ask.

"That's why I really believe conversations inside of our ministries are just so vital," Gray said.

Gray said that middle schoolers crave acceptance and support from the adults around them. They want to know what their family and church expects of them, and that they're part of a supportive community. As fitting in at school becomes more important, they can develop a negative and judgmental self-image.

"I had to say to my middle schooler recently, like, 'Hey, you know what?'" Gray said. "'It's okay to be gentle on yourself. It's okay to not rip yourself apart for something small.' But sometimes it's hard for them to let go of something because, socially, it's such a big part of it, too."

On a physical level, the dramatic change that comes with puberty makes middle schoolers feel uncomfortable, clumsy, and emotionally erratic. They will become more sensitive to what the people around them say about them. As they experience the problems of adolescence for the first time, they will become frustrated.

"They might think that adults can't understand, like 'You would never get this' or 'This is different than when you were young,'" Gray said, "which could all be valid points, but just the reality that they don't necessarily know that their problems could be solvable or relatable to other people, especially of other generations."

That being said, middle schoolers still have a child's optimism and playfulness. Therefore, Gray said, it is important to explain the faith in a way they will understand.

High schoolers, on the other hand, are more capable of abstract thought. They have learned more, and they are starting to think about what they want to do with their lives. At the same time, they are dealing with "a lot of big feelings."

"They're walking through the expectations," Gray said. "Maybe people are giving them similar expectations, not just the church and the values of our family, but, 'This is what I need to do at school and maybe for a job.'"

After the strictly segregated social environment of middle school, high schoolers are interacting far more with the opposite sex, both as friends and romantically. They have big decisions to make about their lives, and while they are more independent and confident to make those decisions than they would've been in middle school, they are still looking to adults as role models. They are better at realizing their own limitations, which can be a hindrance because it means they're more likely to give up after failure.

"There's something to be attuned to," Gray said. "What is challenging for them, where they think they might have failed or struggled, and how we can be super attentive and relational to bring them into our community."

Life Teen gatherings teach high schoolers life skills such as financial planning and leadership.

"How are we actually teaching them to be leaders at church and school and at home?" Gray asked. "If they're desiring this independence, helping them step into that with some skills that are faith-based, but also keeping in mind how we get creative with faith formation."

Self-expression is an extremely important part of any high schooler's life. Gray said that teens can express themselves through God. High schoolers want to know how faith formation will help them in life, and they want to be challenged in unique ways. Gray said that "goal-oriented graces," such as encouraging your teen to read the works of C.S. Lewis, can inspire teens and, in turn, their peers.

"There's a preoccupation with that acceptance among peers," she said. "They have a lot more awareness about what it means to be part of a group, to have friends, and what it means to not be part of a group. So obviously, inside of the communities that we build, there will be small communities, but the sense of belonging and integrating will be huge in how we create those environments, so kids feel continuously welcomed and willing to return to our youth ministry."